Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Rollercoaster ride

An awkward I don't know what to do with my hands photo that I took at the museum we went to today!
Random photo to get you a taste of the museum
Well, this email is definitely not what I expected it was going to be for this week. This weekend did not go quite as planned.
Our sweet N-- didn't get to enter the waters of baptism this weekend. Friday afternoon we had her baptismal interview with our district leader. It wasn't until this moment where we learned that she is not officially divorced from her husband yet. And her husband does not approve of her getting baptized and won't give her consent. And, church rule, one has to have consent from a spouse in order to be baptized.
It was the second time I walked out of her apartment bawling. But this time it was not the kind of bawling I like to happen. I have never felt so broken. We just sat there with N-- after it happened and just cried together. She was so upset. She has been waiting for this moment her entire life. And now she told us she just felt like she was never going to be able to come inside to the true church.
It was one of the hardest moments I have yet experienced on the mission.
The amazing person that N-- is.
She has taught me so much.
When she first found out..she was really upset. Really sad. Really angry and frustrated.
So then the Elders gave her a blessing, and then left. And in those 5 minutes we walked out of her apartment and then came back, her entire disposition had changed. In just a few minutes after this had all happened, she realized what lesson Heavenly Father is trying to teach her through this experience. And she said she felt peace. She felt really good. We left her apartment that day, and she was smiling and full of the Spirit.
Not to say that all of a sudden this wasn't a hard experience for her. She is really struggling right now. Having to figure out everything with her divorce is really hard. But seriously, as soon as it happened she realized what it was Heavenly Father needed her to learn with this experience.
I am not quite as amazing as she is, so it didn't work quite like that for me. This week I have felt pretty broken inside. It has taken a lot out of me just to get out and do regular missionary work. But this experience has taught me so much. It woke me up a bit.
I had one of those moments this weekend where I literally just felt like I couldn't take another step forward. I had no energy to move forward. No will power. No desire. I simply felt like I couldn't take one more step. I couldn't talk to one more person.
But somehow, I did. And then at the end of the night, I got on my knees, and I talked with my father in Heaven. And I told Him I couldn't do it without Him. I literally couldn't. And I needed his help.
And He has helped me.
I have become a lot closer to my Savior throught this experience. If I am learning anything as a missionary, it is the power that the Atonement can give me. And the power of prayer. I know that may sound a bit repetitive, I have said that multiple times in my letters, but this weekend has taught me so much. At those moments where we feel like we can't go on. We literally just want to sit down and cry. He is there. He is always there.
And it is not always easy to feel that. But that is why we have these experiences. To learn and to grow. This week I really realized how much I have changed from the person I was before my mission. And I realized how much more happy I am with who I am now.
I have so long to go. A lifetime to learn. But there was this moment I had this weekend after all this stuff with N-- happend, and I just felt so selfish and frustrated. And I just had to take a second to look at myself in the mirror. I just sat there and looked at myself. And looked at whose name I was wearing, right next to my own. And I really got this overwhelming feeling of how incredibly BLESSED I am to be a missionary right now. No matter how hard it is. I know one day I will be able to look back and realize why things happened the way they do.
Sorry this is not THE most uplifting letter in the world. But, I could never send you a letter home full of negativty. Because even in the negative moments..the light is never too far away.

As I have said a billion times before..thank you for your prayers. They carry me.
I love you my dear family. I think of you always. I am so grateful for everything you do for me.
I will see you soon!
Soeur Magleby

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